just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
