I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
