Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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