god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
