I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
