Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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