Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
