I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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