The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
