Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
