I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
