Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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