see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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