When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
