That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
