My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
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The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
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Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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