it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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