i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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