Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
