I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
