i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
