That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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