Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
