dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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