When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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