We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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