Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
