watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
