if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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