Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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