What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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