Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
