youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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