First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
