I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
