I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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