just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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