Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
