The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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