she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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