I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
