so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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