pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
