If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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