I think I died a long time ago.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
