I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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