In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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