I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
