every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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