btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
