y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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