My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Randomize
