I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How does one acquire holy water?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
