fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I want a musical about memes.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
