just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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