I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
