i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
