Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
