Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
