I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
