the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
