I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
